Noam

Would you like us to make you up a prophet?
There’s no shortage of end times to foretell.
Do not settle for anything less than your own personal apocalypse!

I once worried about climate change,
was kept up at night by war and fascism,
feared the economic hollowing-out of a generation.
I thought I had it made —
anxiety and hopelessness enough for any proper adult.

But are you really gonna settle
for an end times scenario off the shelf?
Our specialists will use white glove service
a twenty point metric system
and sophisticated artificial intelligence algorithms
to fit you with a specially made doomsday prophecy
that fits your personal anxiety needs

Whether you should fear paperclip maximizers,
the slow degradation of language to pictograms,
or simply the death of formal fashion
due to remote work,
find a catastrophe that works for you!
Stop worrying about the same basic apocalypse as everyone else —
That’s so 2020.

Feel the power of a mission
and the certainty of misunderstood genius
all at a price point accessible enough
to constitute an impulse purchase off a an instagram ad
(but just barely)